When help isn't helpful.
When Help Isn’t Helpful: Why Asking for Support Sometimes Makes Us Feel Worse
We’ve all been there. You’re grappling with a challenge—whether at work or in your personal life—and you reach out for help. But instead of feeling supported or relieved, you end up feeling frustrated or worse than before.
Why does this happen? And more importantly, how can we navigate these situations to get the support we truly need?
Why Help Can Sometimes Backfire
1. The “Helper’s High” Effect
The “helper’s high” refers to the positive feelings a person experiences when they assist someone else. While this phenomenon can promote kindness, it can sometimes lead to unintended consequences:
Feelings of Superiority: The helper may develop a sense of smugness or superiority, which can make their assistance feel condescending.
Unintentional Dismissiveness: The focus shifts from the person needing help to the person giving it, leaving the recipient feeling sidelined or invalidated.
Receiving help from someone caught up in the helper’s high can feel more like a transaction than genuine support, leaving you feeling worse instead of better.
2. Unequal Power Dynamics
Asking for help inherently creates a power imbalance. When you seek assistance, you’re admitting vulnerability, while the person offering help holds the power to decide:
Whether to Help: They control if and how they provide assistance.
How the Help is Delivered: Their approach may not align with your needs, leaving you feeling unheard or dependent.
In some cases, this dynamic can lead to feelings of discomfort, frustration, or even resentment, especially if the helper assumes an authoritative or patronizing role.
How to Ask for Help Without Losing Your Confidence
If you find that seeking help often leaves you feeling worse, try reframing how you approach the situation. Here are some strategies to make the process more effective and empowering:
1. Reframe the Request as Collaboration
Approach the person you’re asking for help as an equal partner rather than positioning them as an authority. Collaboration fosters mutual respect and ensures that both parties feel valued.
Example: Instead of saying, “I don’t understand this issue,” try, “Can you help me understand this issue better so I can work through it?”
This approach shifts the dynamic from dependence to partnership, promoting a more balanced interaction.
2. Be Clear About Your Needs
Ambiguity can lead to miscommunication and frustration. Clearly articulate what you need and why, so the person helping you has a better understanding of how to support you effectively.
Example: Instead of saying, “I need help with this project,” specify, “I need your input on structuring the presentation for this project.”
Being specific not only saves time but also ensures the help you receive aligns with your actual needs.
Recognizing When Help Isn’t Helpful
Sometimes, even with the best intentions, help just isn’t helpful. Whether it’s due to the helper’s high, an unbalanced power dynamic, or miscommunication, asking for assistance can leave you feeling worse.
When this happens:
Reflect on the interaction to identify what went wrong.
Adjust your approach by reframing your request or being clearer about your needs.
Consider alternative sources of support, such as colleagues, peers, or resources, to avoid reliance on a single person.
The Takeaway
While asking for help is often necessary, it’s important to recognize that not all help is created equal. By reframing requests as collaborative efforts and being clear about your needs, you can minimize the risk of negative experiences and foster more productive, supportive interactions.
Help should empower—not frustrate—you. With a thoughtful approach, you can get the support you need while maintaining your confidence and well-being.
